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I am half way through my first weekend completely alone and feeling incredibly unsettled.  For many, many years I have lived without companionship, but this is the first time I have spent an entire weekend without my daughter.  She has been the centre of my universe since long before her birth - to say that I'm feeling 'lost' is an understatement.

Ironically, it was my suggestion - insistance in fact - which resulted in Satine spending the entire weekend with her father.  I knew it would be difficult for me, but I feel that it is important for them to forge and maintain a close relationship.

Initially, I wanted to hold on to our family - continuing to do things together as a single unit - and this is exactly how we operated.  Sure, we're now living in separate houses, but nothing had changed.  My former husband continued to enjoy the freedom of coming and going as he pleased whilst I continued to carry out all the parenting responsibilities whilst bending over backwards to fit in with his schedule. 

That was until I finally woke up and realised I was being treated like a doormat.  I deserve more than that - WAY more than that - so something had to change.  This isn't to say that we can no longer spend time together, but before we can form a new relationship, we need to go through a period of true separation.

This has been an incredibly empowering time for me.

 

So how have I spent my weekend thus far?  For starters, I spent several hours on a gloomy beach.  It was nourishing to sit absorbing my surroundings: the cool breeze on my face; the moody clouds stretching across the sky; the strength of the tide rushing towards my feet.  As my mind drifted, I was reminded of my brother's favourite poem:

 

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting form you now,

Thus much let me avow -

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it thereofre the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

 

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand -

Hew few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep - while I weep!

O God! can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

 

~ Edgar Allan Poe

 

I spent the remainder of my time on the beach in the company of a friend who allowed me to be just me.  No expectations, no pretenses, no judgements. 

I returned home feeling up-lifted and inspired to play music.  But as the evening arrived, so too did feelings of lonliness.  At first, this was most unsettling.  But then I realised that I am simply just missing my child.  For I have been lonely a long time and I am in fact in a much better place now.  As I said in a previous post: living without a partner is less lonely than living with an absent partner.

 

 

 

Alone

From childhood's hour I have not been

As others were; I have not seen

As others saw; I could not bring

My passions from a common spring.

From the same source I have not taken

My sorrow; I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone;

And all i Loved, I loved alone.

From the same source I have not taken

My sorrow; I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone;

And all I loved, I loved alone.

Then - in my childhood, in the dawn

Of a most stormy life - was drawn

From every depth of good and ill

The mystery which binds me still:

From the torrent, or the fountain,

From the red cliff of the mountain,

From the sun that round me rolled

In its autumn tint of gold,

From the lightning in the sky

As it passed me flying by,

From the thunder and the storm,

And the cloud that took the form

(When the rest of Heaven was blue)

Of a demon in my view.

 

~ Edgar Allan Poe

 

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