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Today I am grateful for...

...trainers who not only know how to use jump boards but also aren't afraid of structuring a whole class around them.  Today's trainer wasn't one.

I am also grateful for berries... tart berries that off-set all the sugar that goes into baking...

And games that give my mind a break from racing thoughts...

Finally, I'm grateful for the way in which facebook brings me relevant posts at just the right time.  This one entitled "This Is How You Love Someone With Anxiety"...

Read receipts are hugely comforting: if I can see that my message has been delivered but not yet read, I know that you're busy.  Your silence doesn't bother me. (Unless of course hour upon hour passes ~ which is when the below kicks in).

However, Read receipts are my greatest cause of distress: if I see you read my message but haven't responded, I start wondering why.  Assuming you're busy seems logical, right?  But in my mind, you were able to read my message, surely you could have fired back a response, even if just to say that you're busy?  Instead, your silence has me spiraling into self-doubt.  Did I say something wrong?  Have I somehow upset you?  Have your feelings towards me changed?

It is crazy, I know this.  But when you have spent 40 years worrying that your every word, action, or inaction might upset someone and cause them to stop loving you, no amount of cognitive awareness can completely stop those automatic thoughts from sending you into the grips of anxiety.

Which is when the double texts surface.  I want to know that you're okay.  I need to know that we're okay. 

I'm hypersensitive to the slightest change in your words, your behaviour, your body language, your tone of voice, the look in your eyes.  If there is the slightest possibility that I've upset you, I will apologise.  Even when I know I've done nothing wrong, I will say that I'm sorry for the negative feelings you're experiencing.

I struggle to say no.  I do not know how to ask for help.  Even when offered help, I am likely to decline.  Sometimes I don't need you to solve my problems, I just need you to hold me, listen to me vent, and tell me everything will be okay.

Trust is earned.  My walls are high.  I protect my soul as fiercely as I protect my child.  Oh but when I let you in, you will experience the purest love, where we can be vulnerable with one another, baring our imperfections free from the fear of judgement, and feel incredibly empowered to be the best version of ourselves.

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